The Five Laws of Woo
by Medicinal Biscuit
Summary: CRACK YAOI. Before poor Neji knows what's going on, he finds he's attracted the attention of three very unexpected suitors. Unfortunately for him, NONE of them seem to show any signs of giving up. ItaNeji SasuNej NaruNej. Don't like Yaoi? See offer inside
1. Tried and True

**Why****: Because Sweet Misfortune119 very, very kindly requested for me to write this. Seeing as she is a fan, I complied. Plus the idea pwns. Hope you like it, Sweetie!**

**Preface****:Biscuit would now like to present to you her first ever actual YAOI fanfic, "The Five Laws of Woo." Yaoi, but nothing graphic, is found within. If it offends you, I apologize and would like to extend to you the offer of requesting any non-yaoi oneshot you want of me. (Frantically, she tries to please everyone)**

**Pairings****: ItaNeji, SasuNeji, and NaruNeji as well as some surprises (wink wink watermelon). I would call this funny, but not in the totally wild sense of "Carpools". It's actually MUCH more serious (and sarcastic).**

**Notes on this Chapte****r: Ita/Nej. Non-graphic Yaoi. CRACK parings and some (keyword SOME) crack humor. The point of view switches with each scene, but don't worry, it's marked. Best of all...NEJI'S ACTUALLY (somewhat) IC! For those of you who follow "Carpools," I'm sure that must be astounding to you...(sweat drops)**

**Disclaimer**

_x x x _

_x Prologue x_

_x Neji's Point of View x_

_x x x_

_Looking back on their lives in their golden years, many people fondly remember those "defining moments" that guided their paths and made them into the individuals they are: the big epiphanies, if you will, that shaped their outlooks on life. It's a nice sentiment, if you think about it, it really is._

_Unfortunately for me, so far in my seventeen years, I can't say I've had the pleasure of having any of those moments. No...the only moments that stick out in my memory are NOT the moments of tragedy and grief that you might expect, if you know of me and my clan. it seems that, while some people have "defining moments", I have moments that are so shocking and absurd that no amount of therapy will ever be able to fully bury them in my subconscious where they belong. _

_Ever._

_And no, I'm not talking about Gai and Lee. I'm used to them, although I do occasionally have nightmares about being trapped with them forever in an "eternal springtime". _

_No, what I'm referring to actually began the summer of my seventeenth birthday. It was at that time that I guess my "youthfulness blossomed," as my sensei would say, because all of a sudden I had attracted the affection of three people before I even knew what was going on. Egregiously, because fate is cruel, none of them were exactly...ideal suitors, to understate it._

_I guess for any of my ramblings to make sense, I'll just have to go back and explain exactly how I came to be in my current situation. Brace yourselves. It's not a pretty story._

_It all started three months ago on a day in July just like any other..._

_x x x_

_Law One: _

_For that special first date with that special person, the best bet would be to go with the "Tried and True" method. Treat your love interest to a nice dinner, followed by a romantic activity of your choice. You'll have melted their heart by the end of the evening. _

_x x x_

"Tenten...do women find me attractive?"

My teammate choked on the water she was drinking. I knew what she was thinking at that particular moment, but then I usually did. Tenten was contemplating my astounding talent for creating unbearably awkward situations. Seeing as she had stopped in the middle of the street when I asked my question, she had to run a few steps to catch up with me before giving a careful answer.

"Uhm, I can't really say...why do you ask?"

Hn. Vague and non-descript. Typical of Tenten when she was afraid of offending me.

"It's just that," I broke off, not liking the way that Kiba was eyeing my ass and attempting to be discreet about it.

"Yes?" She asked, offering me a half of the popsicle she had just picked up from a street vendor. I took the treat, licking it slowly and watching with no small satisfaction as Kiba, who was still watching me, clutched his bleeding nose and ducked off. We continued weaving our way through the crowded streets of Konoha for a few minutes in silence. If she'd thought _my_ question had been awkward, wait till I answered _her's._

"It's just that," I began again, sighing, "I think, that nowadays, I seem to be attracting the romantic interests of the sterner sex." It's moments like these that I am very grateful that Tenten understands me so well. It saves a lot of awkward explanations.

She sucked her popsicle in thought.

"So, what you're saying is...you think gay guys want your pants?"

Blunt, but then what else could you expect from a weapons specialist?

"Yes. Yes they do. And it's beginning to freak me out."

My teammate nodded sympathetically and began to say something comforting but at just that moment, our sensei appeared.

"NEJI!" Gai yelled in his normal jovial voice, "Come with me for a moment, would you? I need your opinion on something. Excuse us, Tenten my youthful flower."

And popsicle still in hand, I allowed my sensei to drag me off.

_x Five minutes earlier- Kisame's Point of View x_

When Itachi-san asked me to help him with a "little project," if I had known at the time that he had meant the seduction of the Hyuuga heir, I would have gladly committed seppuku with my fingernails to get out of it.

Damn Itachi and his damn unpredictability.

So now, three weeks later, I was crouching in a bush outside of Konoha risking my life and feeling like a lecherous old man just so my partner could stalk his "lover". Leave it to Itachi to be obsessed with a jounin from the village that he had betrayed, forcing us to risk our necks and resort to "desperate measures" to woo the boy. That's not even mentioning that the Hyuuga and the Uchiha are distantly related._ Figures_. I always _knew_ Itachi would have some kind of weird fetish. Ah well, at least it was only a little bit of incest and not something freakier.

For the past three weeks things had just been the same and more of it. According to Itachi we were "waiting for the opportune moment to strike." Well, when he voiced it like that you'd think we were staking out a robbery. Leave it to Itachi to treat his personal romantic escapades **(1)** like a mission. But I guess if you looked at it from a technical standpoint, we sort of_ were_ trying to kidnap a minor. _Sort of._

Today, apparently, the Gods smiled down at us, for it was today that Itachi _finally_ figured out how to set his plans in motion.

"Kisame-san."

I looked up at the sound of my name.

"I have found a solution," he announced blandly.

_"Finally._" Unwise as it was, I couldn't help but rejoice at the end of the stakeout. "Well, what have you come up with?"

Itachi formed a seal, and for a moment, my vision was obscured by a cloud of smoke. When he reappeared, I felt my jaw go slack. For there, before me in all of his green spandex-y glory, was Itachi in the form of Maito Gai. The thought of Itachi in spandex, even though he had assumed someone else's form, made my mind go places I'd really rather not mention. Fucking _disturbing _places.

"It's the obvious thing to do," Said Itachi in his normal chilling voice, forcing Gai's face into a sinister grimace. The whole thing was fucking unnatural and made me want to die a little, honestly. My partner continued, "I shall transform into an authority figure that Neji-kun trusts and then I shall lead him into my clutches before henge-ing back to my natural form. You know the plan from there, Kisame-san."

Oh, was he talking about the plan that involved me loosing all shards of my self esteem by serving Itachi and his underage love interest dinner and possibly assisting with date rape?

_Damn Straight. _STRANGE things happen in the S-class...

The more I thought about it, the more enraged I became. _Honestly_, any snot-nosed genin could have told you the obvious thing to do would be to henge into the kid's sensei. Leave it to Itachi to plan to defeat a Hyuuga with simple brilliance and take_ three fucking weeks _to come up with said plan. I say "_plan _to defeat" because I seriously doubted the success of his little venture. No way a jounin would fall for something this idiotic.

By this point I was practically twitching trying to keep from ripping his damn little head off. But of course I didn't because _that_ would be like asking for an Amaterasu up the ass, if you know what I mean.

"Well!" Said Itachi exuberantly, getting into character and sounding freakishly like Gai, "I'm off! Wish me luck, Kisame-kun."

I shuddered.

And when he returned triumphantly five minutes later towing one Hyuuga Neji by the hand, I gotta say I was fucking astounded.

Leave it to Itachi to pull something that screwed up off.

_...Leave it to Itachi._

_x Neji's Point of View x_

Leave it to Gai-sensei to make me tromp around in the July heat on my day off. He eventually dropped my hand, but continued leading me on for about an hour until we were a good two miles outside the village. By this point, I was becoming a bit suspicious. What if he planned on showing me another "Birthday Surprise" for Lee?

I winced a little at that particular memory, trying to block out the images of the nude sculpture of himself that Gai had asked me to critique. Only on my team...what's even more twisted is that Lee actually _liked_ it.

Gai-sensei slowed, so I could only assume we were approaching our destination. Sure enough, as we crested the next hill, I saw a little abandoned house nestled in the valley surrounded by an unkempt garden of wild flowers.

A few minutes later, and sensei had led me into the house and into a dining room where I noticed with great curiosity, the table was set for a nice dinner for two.I could even smell food cooking in the nearby kitchen. Allowing the slightest hint of an expression of confusion to cross my features, I sat down in the offered chair. I looked up at Gai, waiting for him to show me whatever it was he had dragged me all the way out here to see, when suddenly I felt thick ropes crawl around my wrists, legs, and chest, binding me in place.

_OH...shit_, was all I could think as several things clicked into place.

Duh. Duh Duh Duh..._DUH. _I could have died with the shame of it all. It had been so _obvious_ what was going on, even a _genin_ would have been able to figure it out. And now, by my own idiotic complacency, I was trapped, miles away from any help, and completely at the mercy of the impostor before me.

I honestly didn't see how my situation could get any worse.

And then, with a puff of smoke, "Gai-sensei" henged into Uchiha Itachi himself.

_Fuck. My. Life._

"Do not be alarmed," Itachi said, in his deep, calm voice.

_"Do not be alarmed?" Did the man who was infamous for murdering over one hundred people alone in one night honestly just tell me not to be alarmed that he had me alone and tied to a chair? Fuck YES, I was alarmed._

"I do not wish you any harm," the Uchiha continued, "I wish only...for your_ affection_."

_Wha? Was he mindfucking me? Well obviously, Uchiha Itachi was the master of the mindfuck._

"Allow me to clarify," came that placid voice again, "I, Uchiha Itachi, wish to have you, Hyuuga Neji on a _date. _Right here, right now. Do you accept?"

_Yeah...NO. Oh HELL no. No, no, no, no, no, n-_

"Yes," I said, carefully keeping my voice even.

Itachi allowed a smirk of victory to arrange itself on his pale lips.

"I told you Kisame-san. I told you he would accept my advances."

I immediately recognized Itachi's partner, Hoshigaki Kisame, as he walked out of the adjoining kitchen. The expression on his blue face told me we were thinking the exact same thing. When Uchiha Itachi asks you out, the answer is not yes or no, it's do you want to live, or _don't _you? Frankly, I valued my life...not to mention I wasn't stupid enough to stand in between a reputed assassin and what he wanted, even if, by some bizarre stretch of the imagination, what he wanted was _me_.

"Kisame!" Itachi called, "Please serve us our meal."

The mist-nin ground his razor teeth, but obliged.

My captor turned back to me.

"Now, Neji-kun, I shall release you if you promise to behave."

Once again, I grasped the subtle, hinted meaning behind those words._ Don't try to run or I'll kill you._

"I promise," I agreed obediently, even smiling slightly at Itachi. This apparently pleased him, as his eyes crinkled in a small smirk of his own. The ropes binding me vanished and I relaxed into the chair; Itachi taking off his heavy Akatsuki cloak and settling himself opposite me.

Moments later Kisame arrived with our dinner, which, loath as I was to admit it, looked delicious. Itachi and I wasted no time in digging in. Kisame lingered a little more to pour the drinks with a terribly sour look on his face, before vanishing back into the kitchen. Leaving me alone with Itachi. _Perfect._

_Awkward._

That was the only way that any sane person would have described a dinner date with Uchiha Itachi.

Where a normal person would try to make small talk, Itachi would just stare at me. Blankly. Unnervingly.

By the end of the meal I was honestly wondering how I was going to endure whatever form of silent torture he had lined up for me next.

"Neji-kun"

_Ah, it speaks._

"I must go and check on something in the kitchen. Please excuse me."

And he walked out.

_xKisame's Point of View.x_

"Why do I feel as though I am failing to make a good impression?"

I SWEAR for a genius, Itachi can be so _dense_ sometimes. I felt that this was one of those rare occasions where I could be sarcastic without being mindfucked into my own personal hell.

"Maybe because you ARE."

He glared at me slightly. "Well then you must help me correct the problem, Kisame-san. I. do not. fail."

_And we all know it, princess._

"Do you have the book?"

I reached into my cloak and grabbed that damned dating and relationships self-help book that was pretty much the root of all the evil in my life because of the ideas it gave Itachi. My partner thinks up enough twisted shit on his own. He does NOT need _ideas._

"Chapter One..." Itachi muttered, thumbing through the pages, " 'For that special first date with that special person, the best bet would be to go with the "Tried and True" method.' I did that. I treated him to a very nice dinner."

"That_ I _made," I clarified.

"Yes, well," he said distractedly, still contemplating where he went wrong, "According to the book he should have fallen for my natural charms by now."

I almost had to forcibly stop myself from voicing the shitload of sarcastic comments I was thinking of. _Pff, natural charm? Itachi has about as much "natural charm" as something that's been dead for two weeks._

He looked at me, eyes intense. "What do I do?"

"Well," I answered, ever cautious not to upset him, "Seeing as the dinner...didn't go so hot _(fell to shit) _you'll just have to wow him on the "romanic activity" part." I pointed out the next part of the sentence."

He blinked at me and walked back into dining room.

If I had known I'd end up giving dating advice to a mass-murderer on pain of death, maybe, _just maybe_, I would have stayed in Kiri.

Wouldn't saved me a shitload of psychological damage, that's for sure.

I swigged some sake from the bottle, sighing.

_x Neji's Point of View x_

Abruptly, Itachi returned and proclaimed, "We will now go and watch the stars." He vaguely drifted over to the adjoining sitting room, not even bothering to wait for me. Bemused, and wary of what was to come, I followed. I entered the room just in time to see Itachi settle down on an oversized futon, still folded into a couch that faced a wide, open window. His normally stiff and straight form relaxed into the patterned fabric and he crossed his legs lotus style. Still lingering at the doorway, I watched all of this. A few seconds may have passed, or a matter of minutes, I had long since lost track, when his gaze drifted back to me, pinning me with that searching stare that seemed to be his substitute for a fond smile. He raised one hand and beckoned for me. "Come."

My bare feet moved over the wooden floor, beyond my control and fully in his. I stood in front of him, sweating slightly at the uncomfortable situation. He tapped his thighs and I felt my eyes widen a bit in panic and incredulity. I might let him feed me a wonderful dinner, hell, I'd even "go watch the stars with him," but there was no way, _NO way_...

He looked at me again, his sharingan seeming to whirl in the moonlight. But I knew it wasn't his genjutsu that controlled my actions, as I obediently lowered myself to perch on the murderer's left thigh, my legs jutting awkwardly of to our right side, resting on the arm of the futon.

_No, he might as well have been holding a kunai to my throat._ We both knew it was only pure, natural fear for my own existence that had be complying to his every demand.

We sat there, rigid and perfectly still, and in my case, afraid to even breathe. I thanked the gods that Itachi was content with me sitting ramrod straight on one of his legs, my hands folded tightly in my lap and my eyes focused on those stars.

_He said he wanted to "watch the stars" with me, and I would be damned if I didn't stare at those fucking stars as hard as I could just in case they decided to do something interesting for once. ANYTHING to forget exactly who I was sitting on._

Time seemed to crawl, agonizingly slow seconds ticked by, and yet here I was, still cozying up to an assassin staring out a window like my life depended on it. Oh wait...it actually_ did. _Me and my damned ironic sense of humor. Suddenly I was overtaken with an insane urge to burst out laughing, just lose it completely and give into hysterics. But that would never do, seeing as I was literally sitting on a ticking bomb. Itachi could go off at any time. I stole a chaste glance at his face. His delicate skin was furrowed around the brows, a sure sign that he was going to say something soon.

_Three, two, one,_

"Neji-kun,"

_Boom_

"When is your birthday?"

I blinked vacantly, the casual question catching me completely off guard. Not that being on my guard would even do much good. Have I mentioned that I was _sitting_ on _Uchiha Itachi's_ lap?

"July third," I answered automatically.

"Ah, I see. Cancer..." he muttered the word to himself, scanning the skies with more purpose now. "You just recently celebrated one then? How old?"

"Seventeen." Once again, a mindless, automatic answer. Itachi's wandering eyes finally stopped on a fixed point in the sky, and he stared at it a moment, as if memorizing its exact location, before turning to face me.

I could have sworn my heart actually stopped. His eyes boring dead into mine, the corners of his mouth twitched up, softening his expression. Barely.

Uchiha Itachi actually smiled at me. _Barely_.

And then, as if that weren't enough, for the first time that night, he touched me. His hand gilded up from the small of my back to my shoulder blades with a firm gentleness, tenderness even, that left the entire are he touched tingling warmly. I couldn't help it. I leaned into that touch. The corners of his pale lips flickered up even more.

With the hand that wasn't still on my back, he pointed to he spot he had been staring at in the sky, tracing an outline of stars with his fingers. I stared at the stars trying to locate exactly which ones he had been pointing to. We were silent for a few moments, gazing upwards.

"Do you see the crab, Neji-kun?"** (2)** he asked, turning to look at me again, his face closer than before. And suddenly, they fell into place. I had no problem seeing the crab at all.

"Yes."

He looked at me again, with his same almost-smile, and began lightly tracing my spine. I flinched violently, and withdrew from the touch, nearly toppling, _GRACEFULLY_, I might add (Hyuugas do NOT topple sloppily), off his lap.

_I'm not dead...how am I not dead?_

A few seconds later, I cautiously cracked one eye open to a very peculiar sound...Itachi appeared to be laughing. At me, perhaps? Once again taking my breath away at it's suddenness and tentative gentleness, Itachi's hand stroked across my forehead, eventually cupping my cheek and forcing my face closer to his own than it had ever been.

"Neji-kun," he whispered, and I gasped as he deactivated his ever-present sharingan, staring at me with deep coal-black eyes, a hint of laughter still in his voice, "I'm _not _going to hurt you. Please believe that. It will make the rest of the evening proceed much more smoothly. Do you understand?"

I nodded shakily. _He's not fucking with me...he never was._ For some reason, beyond anything I could ever hope to comprehend. Uchiha Itachi, traitor, criminal, and cold-blooded murder, had some kind of twisted and unholy _fondness_ for me.

And thus, I discovered, that when Itachi has a fondness for someone, he takes on the characteristics of a more dangerous than average teddy bear.

It was a few minutes before I mustered up the courage to touch him. Finally, I raised a hand and with the same inexplicable gentleness he had shown me, I ran my fingers though his silky hair, pulling the strands away from his pale face. He hn'd contentedly, and I marveled at the level of trust he was showing me. If I had been in my right mind at all I would have already killed him.

Yet somehow, I didn't want to kill him. His hand had resumed that very nice stroking of my back that I liked so much, and somehow in the process, my hair had been let loose as well. Itachi's skilled fingers were running through the strands, and I was suddenly finding it harder to maintain my rigid posture. I peeked again at Itachi's face, and found him staring out at the stars, absentmindedly playing with my hair and wearing a small smirk of victory. Gauging his reaction carefully, I slid off of his thigh and into the hollow of his crossed legs, finally relaxing my cramped legs into a more comfortable curl. Itachi languidly looked down at me, the slight expression of contentment on his face taking my breath away. He shifted his hand from my back to my waist and wrapped his other arm around my shoulders: clutching me to his chest in an embrace. Exhausted as I was from the emotional strain of the day, I relaxed into his tender hold, throwing my arms around his torso and burying my face in his shirt with more fervor than I'd really meant to show.

He hn'ed softly again and I felt him press his lips to the top of my head as he sighed into my hair, "Neji-kun. _Thank you_."

Later on I would suffer many a sleepless night at how easily and naturally I had relaxed in an assassin's arms. How easy it had been for me to abandon my training and commit my own little act of treachery. I had drifted off to sleep in the embrace of a killer, and it had felt _right._

But back to that moment, I breathed in the scent that clung to the fabric of that shirt, relished the feel of those arms. If I had been thinking clearly, I would have been worried about wether I would even wake in the morning after having slept on Uchiha Itachi. But as I drifted off to sleep, more relaxed than I had been in months, my thoughts spiraled lazily in a totally different direction, lulled by the steady pulsing of his heart.

_The term cold-hearted isn't very accurate. Itachi's actually quite warm..._

_x x x_

_Hn. That was THE strangest dream I think I've ever had...even stranger than the one concerning what Lee and Gaara's babies would look like. For a second there I actually though I went on a DATE with Uchiha..._

And my eyes finally cracked opened.

_...Fuck._

My vision was dominated by, ironically, the _dawn. _All I could see was the blinding light of morning streaming in through the east-facing window.

Groaning, I shifted my blanket and got less than halfway into a sitting position before I froze.

_I didn't HAVE a blanket last night..._

I looked down to find that I had been tucked into a warm little cocoon-like bundle in Itachi's cloak. No wonder I had slept so well. It was warm and silken and smelled like him. But wait...If I fell asleep sitting on Itachi then...

I jolted upright in surprise coming literally nose to nose with Itachi, who I noticed with MUCH perplexity that I was still sitting on. I pulled back, startled.

"How..."

The skin around his eyes crinkled. "Trade secret, Neji-kun. We should get you back to the village before they think you've gone AWOL."

I stood up and handed him his cloak, which was pointless seeing as he just threw it over my shoulders. Secretly, when we got outside, I was glad he did as the early morning air was colder than I had expected.

Our journey back to the village seemed to take much less time that it had to get to the little house, but I suppose that's usually the case with return journeys. We trudged wordlessly through the still forests and before I knew it, we were within a stone's throw of Konoha.

I turned stiffly to Itachi and shrugged his cloak off, extending it towards him. He took it, finally breaking our silence.

"Hn. Well, I shall leave you here, Neji-kun. I am very glad that you were so agreeable when it came to the matter of our date."

I blinked slowly. I have never been a morning person and this was just a little too much to handle.

"I don't guess I'll ever see you again?" I half asked, half stated.

He smirked. "I wouldn't count on that. I might have to spirit you away again...at least one more time." Itachi turned around and began to walk away, when suddenly, he faced me again. "Ah, one more thing."

He strode deftly over to where I was still standing, rooted to the spot, and stopped a few inches away. Wrapping his long fingers behind my head, he pulled my face towards his own and gently captured my lips in his. Realizing I would probably never get another chance to do this, I placed my hand over his beating heart- just to verify that this whole thing had actually even happened. I felt him smirk into this kiss, as I heard a vague gagging sound which I realized was probably Kisame. He pressed into the kiss and I reciprocated, moving my lips with his when he gently pulled away. His hand slid around my hand, and he stepped back, trailing one long, dark strand of my hair through his fingers.

"Farewell, Neji-kun."

He smiled at me through the swirl of leaves, and was gone.

I stood stock still staring at the settling leaves for who knows how long, before finally, everything caught up with me and I sank to my knees in complete shock.

"What...the _HELL!?"_

It was an hour later, at my best guess, when Tenten finally found me. Looking at her familiar form, it was almost impossible to carry myself back and remember who I had spent the night with. The entire surreal situation was plain out of context. I must have had a strange expression on my face because she sank to the ground and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Neji? Where the hell have you been? When I asked sensei where he took you, he said he didn't know anything about it? Oh my god. Were you _kidnapped_?!"

I sighed and stood up, extending my hand to her. "I'm fine, Tenten. Trust me."

She looked at me warily. "But what _HAPPENED_?!"

A single black crow soared overhead. I smiled at her.

"Suffice it to say...you wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

And so I walked back to the village with my very confused teammate in tow.

_x x x_

_Sadly, it doesn't end here. I wish it did, but if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. If Itachi, S-class criminal and infamous murderer were the ONLY person I had after my affections, I would be very, very content. _

_Little did I know, at the time, that my next run-in with a pushy suitor wouldn't end up so well in my favor..._

_x x x_

_TBC_

**Even MORE Notes: FLUFF! Who the hell let me write that much FLUFF!? Seriously, all, the next two chapters will be MUCH funnier. (Determined face again.) I.E. fluff crack!**

**CARPOOLS UPDATE!**

**Writer's block...sometime this weekend maybe? Please bear with me. **

**(1) There's actually a porn shop in my area called "Romantic Escapades" Lol, just thought i'd share that. It's so awkward listening to radio commercials for it...**

**(2)Yeah, I know...Western Zodiac WAY LESS COOL than Chinese Zodiac, but it was all i could do. **

**I don't know when the next update will be...this will have exactly FIVE chapters, btw. Just thought I'd let you all know.**

**JA!**

**BISCUIT.**


	2. That Heartfelt Touch

**Pairings:**** PRICK- SHIPPING! SasuNeji. I still can't decide if I support it or not (I'm a die-hard SuiSasu fan) but it sure as HELL is fun to write. **

**Notes: **_**ULTRA-CRACK!**_** This chapter starts out kinda slow, but don't worry. It's DEFINITELY worth it. Trust me. NO lemons. **

_x x x_

_x Neji's Point of View x_

_You'd think that after the incident with Uchiha Itachi any other unwelcome love interest would seem perfectly harmless. But such is the dark irony of my life, that Itachi turned out to only be the tip of the iceberg. Believe it or not, but what, or rather who, was to come was even WORSE than a homicidal maniac._

_He took a few days in coming, five to be exact, but my next suitor was...how shall I put this tactfully...MUCH more forceful and...difficult to ignore. _

_This time, however, I was not dragged off unprepared and unawares. I was actually intercepted on a mission. Which I honestly can't say I minded that much...considering my client..._

_x x x_

_Law Two: _

_Fancy dinners and pricey gifts are nice, but aren't always the best choice for impressing your lover. Sometimes, it's better to show them that you care by going the extra mile for that heartfelt touch. Don't be afraid to spend one-on-one time in private, they'll thank you for it later._

_x x x_

I generally call myself a patient man, yet at the moment I was fighting with every ounce of my discipline not to strangle the person before me.

My attempted pleasant smile probably ended up looking more like a grimace. I tried to keep my tone civil as I ground out from between clenched teeth, "Let's go through this _one more time_. Where did you last see the necklace?"

The impossibly wide blue eyes focused on my face. "Necklace? What necklace?"

I twitched.

_What the hell was WRONG with this guy? Where had he BEEN for the past two hours? _The boy seated before me was, and I can say this without a single doubt, the _STUPIDEST_ person I'd ever met.

By this time I could even feel my face getting red. "The necklace you HIRED me to find for you." When Tsunade-sama had first asked me to take care of a client who had lost a necklace valued at over 10,000 ryo, I had wondered how anyone could possibly lose something that expensive. But now that I'd met the kid, it honestly didn't surprise me.

"Oh," he said, flicking his white-blonde hair over his shoulder. This guy was definitely just another pretty boy. He was unusual, though, in the sense that he was too stupid to realize just how attractive he actually was; giving him an air of innocence_._ "Um...well I took it into town cause my aunt was getting married. You know, as a wedding present." He smiled at me sweetly.

_Finally._ We were getting somewhere. "What town were you in?" His pale brow creased again and I could have smacked myself for asking the question. It would probably take him over an hour to dredge up an answer, _if_ he did at all. He put a finger to his chin, a fierce look of concentration on his face.

"Oh!"

I tried not to get excited at the sudden exclamation. He was probably just thinking too hard and had hurt himself.

His sparkling eyes widened even further and he nodded at me knowingly. "There was a lot of water there."

Vague as it was, that was all I needed. I stood up and grabbed his hand, shaking it, and then all but ran to the door.

"Hy-hyuuga-san?" he asked. I turned around, "Where are you going?"

I forced my face into another grimace-smile. "_To find your necklace."_

He tilted his pretty head at me, confusion clearly written on his pale features.

"Necklace?"

_Oh..my god._

Without missing a beat, I turned and banged my head on the door frame, just once, before swiftly walking away.

_x Suigetsu's Point of View x_

"What the hell is your _PROBLEM!?_"

I stared at the bastard putting as much incredulity into my voice and face as I could. Dude...I had just walked in on Sasuke,_ THE Uchiha Sasuke_, badass "avenger", arranging _flowers_. If this was like a one-time fluke, maybe I could let it slide, but enough was enough. He'd been acting like a total pansy all week. (Pun _definitely_ intended.)

He looked up from his precious little daisies or whatever the hell they were and hn'ed at me.

"Suigetsu, I do not see how what I do in my spare time should be any concern to you."

My mouth dropped open even wider. Was this bitch for real?

"Uh, _hello_? We're like kickass missing-nin criminals, well maybe not Karin, but you get my point, Sasuke. We have an _image_ to uphold! If you get soft then it makes this rest of us look bad."

Sasuke indignantly fluffed his flowers and added some greenery to compliment the blood red roses. Ya know, if the dude _had_ to be arranging flowers, at least they were a decently hardcore color. It's not like they were _pink_ or anything.

"Hn. I don't care about images." Was it just me or was Sasuke actually _pouting?_ I smirked.

_Bitch just talked yourself into a corner_.

"If you don't care about images then why to you priss around with your little Uchiha fan still embroidered on your clothes? Eh? What about than big purple bow? Or are you actually gonna try to convince me that it's _'functional_' ?"

Ah _HAH_! That time there was _definitely_ a pout.

Sasuke exhaled sharply, which was about as close as that prick ever got to an annoyed sigh.

"Look. I'm planning something for tonight, and I don't want you in my way. Just go play in the onsen."

Hmm. Decisions, _decisions._

On the one hand, we were staying in a friggen _nice_-ass hotel, courtesy of Sasuke, and I really wanted to go in that onsen...

..._Buuut_ on the other hand, I _could_ totally follow the bastard around and fuck up whatever he was- _Oh my god..._

It all clicked. _Nice hotel, flowers, wants me out of the way..._

That bastard...that slick-ass _bastard_!

I grinned at him, being sure to show every last one of my lovely little teeth.

_Oh, I knew what I was doing tonight..._

_x Neji's Point of View x_

Water.

I had set off, having only_ three days_ to complete my mission, and the _ONLY_ thing I knew about where I was headed, was that there was "lots of water there".

_IDIOT._

I could have smacked myself. As I tend to do when I'm angry at myself, I made a list of, well, to put it bluntly, ways that I fucked up.

First of all, I am a jounin. Jounin do _NOT_ do stupid things like setting off on a mission without even knowing where they were going. But then, jounin also aren't usually hired for menial missions such as searching for lost jewelry. But, the kid came from a well-to-do family, so I was obliged.

Secondly, jounin should have more discipline and self control than to allow the blinding, remarkable, _INFURIATINGLY_ incapacitating stupidity of a client get in between them and the information they need. Well actually, there wasn't anything I could do about that either.

I stopped my furious walking for a moment. I was about a mile off from the village's western gate.

Time to attack the problem.

Alright. _Water._ The only places I could think of that had lots of water were Amegakure and Kirigakure. I felt my stomach drop at the prospect.

Oh..._peachy_.

I shuddered slightly at the thought of the two dim and cold cities. One, rent apart by a violent civil war: dominated by drug lords and powerful pimps with armies of heroin addicts and prostitutes at their command, as well as fierce and less-than-saintly (understatement) shinobi with an alarming tendency to be mentally unstable. The other, full to the brim with sword-weilding, cold-blooded assassins and fish people with sharp teeth and gills; where murder was considered an "art" and children were praised for their ability to kill.

Well whichever way you cut it, it seemed that _I _was in for a _lovely_ trip.

Just when my shameful despair became almost overwhelming, my brain finally kicked in.

_Duh_. The clan my client came from lived in a remote area of the fire country right on the border of the river country. So the town he was probably talking about- a rather trashy-yet-picturesque resort town where people commonly went to get married- was only a half-day's run from where I was standing right now. And, the fact that made me happiest of all, there _WAS_ lots of water there.

_HAH!_ Take _that_ fish-people! Logic prevails! Looks like I wouldn't be needing my umbrella anytime soon: a fact I was_ exceedingly _grateful of.

Allowing myself a small moment of celebration- _YAY! _- I continued on towards my now-established destination.

Little did I realize, at the time, that I was not going to be arriving.

_x Suigetsu's Point of View x_

_Evil._

There's no other way to describe my brilliance except for sheer _evil._

I grinned to myself as I sauntered all cocky-like down the hall towards my most _"esteemed"_ leader's room.

Now, I had a hunch, a little "tingle in my teeth" as my buddies from the mist would say. Sasuke, being the smooth bastard he was, was gonna try and pull a fast one on me. He was honestly planning on bringing a _girl-_ as in a _GIRL_ -into his room...without even considering that I would try to screw it up.

How that fool underestimates me.

Well, Uchiha may be slick, but he was screwing with the _KING _of smooth here. I mean, dude, I'm fucking _water_, how much slicker can you be?

Anyways, by now I had just about reached the door to his room. It was time for me to test my little hunch.

I knocked, the door opened, revealing half of Sasuke's face, before slamming again in mine.

_Well_.

After a couple seconds, he opened the door again, calm, cool, and collected like he always is. He raised a perfect, pretty-boy eyebrow at me and hn'ed. Predicable as_ fuck._

"Well, " I says, casual as anything, "I'm just heading over to the onsen."

No response.

"Planning on spending the whole evening there."

Still nothing.

"But, ya know, it sure is a damn long walk down there and all. Not looking forward to dragging my sorry ass all that way back to bed when it gets real late."

Zip.

"Especially since there's a nice little hot spring right behind your room that I could use instead."

_BINGO!_

Barely, just _barely_, Sasuke's eyes widened. So the king of seduction here had plans for his hot spring. Good to know..._very_ good to know.

"Hn. After spending so much time in that fish tank, I find it doubtful that you would want to confine yourself to such a small body of water- especially when there is a much bigger hot spring readily available.

I rolled my eyes and did my signature fangy pout , feigning discontent. "Pff, whatever. Be a selfish bastard then."

And I continued on down the hall, all dejected-like. But inside, I was having bit of a hard time controlling the maniacal laughter. I had all the info I needed.

Tonight, there was a shrub out there with my name on it. Cause I would be damned if I didn't find out _exactly_ what that Uchiha had planned...

So I could _royally_ fuck it over.

_x Neji's Point of View x _

I sat, perched on a rock, bento haphazardly balanced on my knees, as the twilight descended around me. I can't believe I hadn't noticed it getting this late. I was just about to dig into my very belated lunch, onigiri in hand, when out of nowhere I sensed someone's chakra. I sat stock still, onigiri dropping back into the bento as I tried to place who I was dealing with.

The chakra was somehow familiar, yet it wasn't a signature I recognized. I knew I had felt it before, but I couldn't place whose it was- which was very irritating, I might add.

Behind me, a twig snapped.

I sprung into action, determined to make up for my rather shameful abandonment of what I had learned in training as of late. (Mainly, I still felt embarrassed over letting myself be kidnapped by Itachi so easily). Drawing a kunai, I launched it in the direction of the noise. I didn't hear a thud or the clang of steel on steel, which meant the person undoubtedly caught it: also indicating that they had no intention of fighting me.

I turned to face my opponent, peering into the shadows- Byakugan activated. A low chuckle sounded, and to my ultimate surprise, out stepped Uchiha Sasuke, twirling my kunai around his finger.

The first thought that came to mind was that the years we'd been apart had _definitely_ been good to him. He was taller, leaner; his face had narrowed out and his cheekbones had become more prominent and- _ WOAH._

_NOT_ even gonna go there. I forced my train of thought away from his exposed chest and onto the matter at hand.All of the questions I had about his intentions were cleared up, however, when he began to speak.

"Neji. It's been a while."

I nodded cautiously, interested to see where he thought he was going with this.

"I have no desire, or need, for that matter, to fight you. I was merely returning to my lodgings, when I noticed your chakra signal, and thought I would see who it was."

I raised an eyebrow. I barely knew Sasuke, despite being his distant cousin and growing up with him, yet one thing I _did_ know was that Sasuke was a very driven and uncaring person. He wasn't the type to casually pursue someone just to catch up on old times. Unless, that is, there was something in it for _him_. I didn't buy his story at all.

"Is that so?" I said, mimicking his pleasant tone, "Well, now that you know it's me, what are you going to do?"

Of course it had occurred to me that the boy standing before me was a traitor and a criminal, and that if I were at all concerned with my duty as a leaf shinobi I would attempt to forcibly bring him back to the village. But I also knew that if I were the one to bring Sasuke back, Naruto would probably kill me in my sleep. Besides, I knew the Uchiha was dangerous. Ignoring the fact that Itachi was fond of me and wouldn't ever hurt me, Sasuke was probably even _more_ dangerous than his brother. If it came to a fight, I doubted I could win by myself.

"Well, seeing as you're obviously on your way somewhere, and don't seem to have any kind of lodgings secured, " he gestured vaguely at the gathering blue of night, "I was going to invite you to stay with me."

This time both eyebrows shot up. Me? Stay with _Sasuke_? I had had my Byakugan activated throughout the entire conversation, so I knew that he wasn't lying about not wanting to fight me...but then what could he possibly want? What were his motives?I stared at him for a moment more, trying to gather some kind of answer from his perfect face, or the slight smirk situated on his pale lips, but I came up with nothing. Well I DID need a place to sleep. I could just stay in his room and then be off early tomorrow morning. What harm could it do? It was decided. If I hadn't already spent the night with his brother without dying, I probably never would have agreed to this.

"Alright, Uchiha, I'll accept your offer."

I regretted it right after the words left my mouth, however, when his smirk widened- finally forcing some unknown and dangerous emotion into his previously blank dark eyes.

_"Excellent."_

_x x x_

A few minutes found us gliding over the mahogany floors of a posh onsen resort. Sasuke suddenly stopped in front of a door at the very end of a hall. I sighed contentedly as he fiddled with the locks, looking out the window at the blossoming trees shrouded in the gloom of early evening. I was lucky to have a nice place like this to stay in. With a loud click, the door opened.

It was a good-sized room, divided in half by a delicate, patterned paper screen. Sasuke ushered me almost immediately into the left side of the room, sliding the door shut behind us.

"This can be yours," he announced unceremoniously. "Just come find me in a few minutes, and we'll go down for dinner or something. "

I looked at him and recoiled slightly in surprise. Although his voice had been perfectly even, his dark eyes gleamed, seeming to smolder in the dimmed light of the room with some emotion that I still couldn't place. The effect was exhilarating and at the same time, more than slightly alarming.

I nodded, and he formed a seal and was gone in a puff of smoke.

It wasn't maybe a minute and a half before I was ready to go again. I set my pack down, distributing my things the way I liked them, and glanced in the mirror, smoothing a few errant strands of hair. I slid the screen back, somewhat hesitantly, and stepped into his room.

It was completely empty- his futon not even unfolded yet- save for a table set against the screen with a vase of deep red roses on it. Puzzled, I walked to the table, searching fruitlessly for Sasuke, a note, anything, and was about to leave when I made the ultimate mistake of looking down.

I could have sworn I felt my heart stop.

Rather to my dismay, I appeared to be standing at the beginning of a trail of red rose petals.

_Wha?_

Starting at the table, curving gracefully around the room, and finally disappearing out the open door and into a candle-lit courtyard, the petal trail was obviously meant for me to follow. Mystified, I walked numbly to the door, only to stop dead once I had cleared the threshold.

No amount of psychological training could ever prepare me for what I saw next.

There, at the end of the petal trail, now illuminated by a multitude of scented candles, stood Uchiha Sasuke himself: hair disheveled, barefoot, with his white shirt sliding off his strong shoulders, and a red rose in his hand. He leaned against a rock that, I noticed with another stomach-churning wave of horror, bordered a private hot spring that was a-glow with the light of a hundred floating candles.

The left side of my face twitched.

_Holy...Motherfucking...HELL._

I vaguely registered Sasuke gliding towards me, an alluring smirk clear on his features, when suddenly, It hit me then like a smack in the face. Apparently Itachi wasn't the _only_ Uchiha to find me desirable.

I was jolted out of my little bubble of shock so suddenly you could almost hear the pop. Sasuke stopped, not four inches away from me, and handed me the rose. I automatically reached out and took it. He gently grasped my hand and tugged me along towards the onsen. It was about here that my brain finally caught up. I pulled back, jerking my hand out of his grasp. I wasn't about to let _Sasuke_, of all people, play me the same way Itachi had (even though by the end of our "date" I didn't exactly regret going along with it). Sasuke wasn't as likely to be able to easily kill me, so I felt I could stand up for myself _and_ still keep my life.

That's always a plus.

"What the hell are you playing at, Uchiha?"

He raised an eyebrow seductively. "What do you mean?" His tone was disgustingly innocent. "I just figured you'd want a bath after all that traveling..." He trailed off, lightly running his fingers across my collarbone before boldly undoing the first button on my shirt.

I swatted his hand away. Smirk still firmly in place, he waltzed over to the edge of the water, completely undeterred.

"Well if you won't join me, I guess I'll just have to bathe alone." Looking at me enticingly from over his shoulder, Sasuke slid his shirt over his moon-pale skin, exposing his shoulders and the toned muscles of his upper back; the light from the candles flickering across their smooth, flawless surface. The sleeves slipped over his long, thin fingers, and the shirt fell to the ground. Abruptly he turned, fingers twitching towards his waistband, and I gulped, sensing his intentions just in time.

I squeezed my eyes shut, and a moment later, heard a rustle as the fabric fell to the ground. It wasn't until I heard a faint splashing noise and Sasuke's sigh as he settled into the water, that I deemed it safe to crack one eye open.

He glowered at me from the pool of water, a broody pout on his full lips- obviously _very_ put out that I'd missed his little exhibition. Suddenly, his expression turned back to that sexy smirk. Apparently, aside from randomly exposing himself, Sasuke had other ways of enticing me into the water. He scooted over behind a rock, and produced what appeared to be a floating tray covered in delicious food. My stomach, of _course_, chose that moment to grumble audibly. His smirk deepened and he languidly popped a roll of sushi into his mouth.

Oh...he's _GOOD._

I grimaced at him, making it plainly obvious that I wasn't happy, and hid self-consciously behind a rock where I was sure he couldn't see me. I stripped quickly, and grabbed one of the multiple fluffy towels he had laid out for us, wrapping it _FIRMLY_ around my hips, and in a moment I was in the water surrounded by rose petals and candles, scooting tentatively closer to Sasuke, who was shamelessly baiting me with the food.

_Why me?_

The Uchiha gracefully plucked up an onigiri and brandished it at me. He began to lean towards me, so naturally, of course, I kept on leaning back until I felt the back of my head touch the water- Sasuke looming over me, onigiri in hand.

"Open your mouth," he commanded.

I gave him my best_ what the fuck_ face.

"Wha-" I started to ask, but the second I opened my mouth, he shoved the entire rice ball in. I was pretty sure I inhaled a couple pieces.

I coughed and choked and tried to glare at him even though my eyes were tearing up. He now had a spoonful of some kind of soup at the ready.

"If you would have just cooperated, Neji, then you wouldn't have rice in your lungs at the moment," he condescended. "Now, let's try this again." Sasuke held up the soup and scooted uncomfortably close to me. I found myself repeatedly checking to make sure that_ both_ of his hands were where I could see them. The spoonful of soup was headed towards my face, so with as much dignity as I could, I opened my mouth and allowed my former comrade to insert the spoon.

And that is how I came to be fed my dinner by Uchiha Sasuke whilst sitting in a rather scandalous onsen. This ordinarily would have seemed unfathomable, but now it seems that situations like these are becoming the norm.

But such is my life.

_x Suigetsu's Point of View x_

Later, I remember thinking, I'm gonna have a hard time explaining why I'm so dirty to Sasuke.

At that moment, though, I was crouched in the bushes with my entire fist in my mouth, tears fucking _streaming _down my face as I rolled around in the flower bed.

That explains the dirt.

Dude...Sure, I might have known that Sasuke was gonna try to seduce someone tonight, but If I had known it would be a _GUY_...and a leaf jounin at that. But that's Sasuke for you, fucking nonsensical as always.

Anyways, the whole set-up was_ priceless_: the rose-petal trail, the candles, the onsen, I could have done _without _having the image of Sasuke's bare ass forever seared into my retinas, but you know, shit happens. Probably the greatest thing ever, though, had been the look on the dude's face. He didn't even know what hit 'im. And now with the whole feeding thing..._God,_ Sasuke was a smooth operator. You'd _NEVER_ get me to admit it, but I could probably learn a thing or two from him.

My little mad fit of hysteria had finally subsided, and I just sat there, watching Sasuke shove more and more food into the poor fucker's face. Just then, I heard a twig snap behind me and turned around to see that bitch, Karin, looking real confused about something.

"Suigetsu, do you know where Sasuke-kun is?"

I couldn't keep from twitching a little at that. "Why do you care? Aside from the fact that you're obsessed with him, of course."

She glared at me, predictably, but was so upset about whatever that she didn't bother to insult me back. "It's just that, well, I was cleaning his room, _(In Karin-speech this translates roughly to "was rooting shamelessly through his shit") _And I came across this." She held out a book. Wrinkling my nose like the adorable little shit I am, I took it, glanced at it, and had to slam my fist forcibly into my mouth to keep from losing it.

It was one a those dating and relationship books that poor saps read who can't get women. Wait- it gets better- a page form chapter two was folded back. I read it and pretty much choked on my own spit I was shaking so hard from suppressed laughter.

_Chapter Two:_ _Fancy dinners and pricey gifts are nice, but aren't always the best choice for impressing your lover. Sometimes, it's better to show them that you care by going the extra mile for that heartfelt touch. Don't be afraid to spend one-on-one time in private, they'll thank you for it later._

So tricking a dude into an onsen and baiting him into being molested with fancy food was Sasuke's idea of a "heartfelt touch?" I dropped the book and doubled over. Karin, I'm sure, was staring at me like I was having some kinda fit. _(Which I sorta was...)_

"_WHAT?!_" She hissed, fists balling up in anger, "What is going _on_? You know something, I_ know_ you do. Someone else's stuff was in Sasuke- kun's room." She knelt down and grabbed my collar." _Tell. me. NOW._"

Well fine, if the bitch wanted to know so bad, then that could be arranged. Without a word I grabbed her arm and forced her down beside me. Her expression went from one of complete incomprehension, to denial, and then to extreme anger: her face a shade of red that perfectly matched her hair. She was shaking even more than I was- her glasses in danger of slipping off her nose.

Ohh _MAN_. I tell you, at this point, I was about ready to piss my pants. I didn't even _have_ to fuck up Sasuke's plans. I had gotten a big enough kick just outta seeing the _look_ on her _face._

_x Neji's Point of View x_

After he shoved that entire tray of food into my mouth, Sasuke apparently decided that we had had enough time in the onsen. He floated towards the edge and stood up behind a rock- this time choosing not to try and flash me. He reappeared a moment later, swathed in a long white robe. Handing me a similar one, he courteously turned away while I dressed.

A few minutes found us standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. I cleared my throat uncomfortably.

"Well, _ahem_. If you're finished trying to molest me, I'm going to bed." Putting as much disdain into the action as I could, I turned and marched away. I had only gotten a few steps before I felt a pair of arms encircle my waist.

_Damn Uchihas and their damn silent speed_. I tried to wriggle free, but he had me pinned.

"I'm sorry, " he muttered into my hair, sounding more sincere than I had ever heard him."I will behave. I promise." He released me and I sighed, and continued my indignant march to _MY_ side of the room.

It really came as no surprise when he followed me in, the paper door sliding shut behind him.

I was sitting on my unfolded futon- brooding and angsting- when I felt him settle in close behind me. His hands found their way to my shoulders, and began rubbing soothing circles into my tense muscles. His hands moved up and down my back, gently massaging; making me melt. I remember vaguely wondering where he had learned the skill, but that's pretty much all I can recall thinking. I don't know how long we sat there, maybe a few minutes, or perhaps even as long as an hour- and we never spoke once. I was becoming sleepy, as I am wont to do when having a nice back rub, when eventually I became tired of maintaining my stiff posture and allowed myself, rather limply, to collapse backwards. I felt my shoulder blades and neck come in contact with someone's very firm chest. Once again, a pair of arms encircled my waist and we teetered to one side- finally falling, quite ungracefully, I might add, onto the futon. Sasuke never let me go- not once. We lay there in the dark for who knows how long, both still and quiet, when something that had been nagging at me all day finally eroded my patience. I turned around to face him and he obligingly loosened his grip on my waist.

Our faces were only two inches apart, if that. I met his steady gaze and, staring into the deep depths of his eyes, I asked it.

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I find you likable and very attractive. Gender, obviously, does not matter to me." His eyes didn't change so I had no way of knowing if he had purposefully sidestepped my real question, or if he had honestly misinterpreted it.

"That's not what I meant, Sasuke."

His stare never wavered. I sighed and elaborated.

"Why did you leave."

His eyes flickered closed and I could have sworn that I saw the briefest flash of pain cross his face. He brought up a hand and gently stroked my face, my neck, my hair- it didn't matter where his hand fell, his touch still conveyed genuine, albeit inexplicable, affection. Grudgingly, almost, he answered- his hand balling to a fist in my hair.

"I had no choice."

It was only when he said those words that I realized exactly how much he had changed. From the boy I had barely known, he had become like a stone, a shell, a corpse. It seemed that the very fire I remembered seeing in those eyes had been extinguished; the very light of his humanity. I shivered at his frigid tone, and he drew me closer to him, pressing my face against his neck. He continued,

"From the moment he gave he that seal, I was gone. I wanted power, and he could give it to me. It was as simple as that."

I drew back from his neck and pressed my forehead against his.

"No, it's not."

This time I was falling asleep in earnest. My eyes drifted shut and I was lulled into a trance-like state by the sound of Sasuke's gentle breathing. Right before I lost consciousness, I could have sword I heard him say, barely a whisper lost in an exhaled breath,

_"Of course not, nothing's ever simple. Especially the truth."_

_x x x_

The first thing I remember from the following morning was a moment of breathtaking beauty. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Sasuke. I honestly couldn't breathe for a moment, he was that beautiful. His dark hair framed his face perfectly, his smooth lips were partly open, and his face, normally so intense, was completely relaxed.

_Now that's something I could wake up to every morning_.

It was hard for me to say which Uchiha brother was more attractive. Itachi had a kind of softness about him. His face was rounder, he was a bit stockier than Sasuke, he had longer hair- even his voice was softer, more serene. He moved with a kind of elegance as opposed to Sasuke's unassuming strength and power.

Sasuke...Sasuke was just _pretty_. He was paler, his face was made of harsher lines and he was leaner, his voice sharper.

I realized for the first time that if they both had an interest in me, things could get ugly very quickly. I'll admit, I rather enjoyed spending time both of them, but I enjoyed different things about them. I wouldn't mind being caught in the middle of the Uchiha brothers, but they most _definitely_ would.

I sighed and absentmindedly extended a hand to stroke Sasuke's face. One dark eye cracked open and he groaned, stretching like a cat.

_Adorable. Perfectly adorable._

He almost smiled at me. "My teammate, Suigetsu, will be getting suspicious soon. Of course, I'm sure he's already figured the whole thing out, but it won't be long now before he barges in."

I nodded, already dressing. "I have a mission to get back to. Now that I've lost some searching time..." I broke off and cleared my throat. "I really need to get moving." I finished up.

I was fixing my hair in the mirror, by that time, and I saw Sasuke's eyes crinkle in an amused smirk. "No, you don't." And to my astonishment, he held out that goddamned necklace.

Biting my lip, I lowered my head, hands on hips.

"You would."

He grinned this time and languidly stood up with his normal fluid grace. He waltzed over, rubbing his hands around my hips and pulling me forwards until our chests touched. He gave me a kind of smoldering look from underneath his long, dark eyelashes that made me go a bit weak in the knees.

"Don't be mad, " he purred.

_Okay, having difficulties breathing as well._

I snatched the necklace from his hand and Hn'ed, pulling myself out of his grasp. "How can I _not _be when you're so infuriating?"

I had all my gear, and was poised at the door ready to leave when he cornered me against the wall. I was trapped. Smirking in that enraging way of his he deftly placed his hands on either side of my head and leaned in, his lips making contact with my throat. My eyes widened and I tilted my head back as he trailed kisses up my neck, finally landing a chaste kiss on my lips. He pulled away, and I opened the door, staggering through it.

"I guess I can't ask you to tell the idiot hello for me." He grinned ruefully. I shook my head knowing he meant Naruto.

His eyes darkened and my last memory of him is an expression of unbearable sadness. It broke my heart.

"You can always come back, " I ventured, but he shook his head, moving to embrace me one last time before I left.

"No, I can't. You and I both know...nothing's ever that simple."

And I walked away under the trees; their blossoms falling heavily around me like tears.

_x x x_

_I returned home, needless to say, and gave that damned necklace back to that lovable idiot kid. I kind of receded into a place of quiet contemplation for a few days, Sasuke's words echoing about in my head. I honestly thought that my little foray into the world of romance would end with the Uchiha brothers, but, once AGAIN, I was sadly mistaken. (Have you noticed the pattern here, yet?)_

_The next time It happened there was no secret meeting, no deception, just an honest and very unforgettable encounter. And even tough I hadn't been captured, I couldn't have escaped- even if I wanted to._

_x x x_

_TBC_

**Notes: **_**Angst?**_** WTF?! I thought the FLUFF was bad enough, but now there's **_**ANGST?! **_**Seriously, you guys have got to stop letting me do this...Ah well, I hope the beginning filled your quota of humor and crack for the day.**

**OH! and for those who care, "Carpools" had been updated! (FINALLY)**

**I bet you can guess which pairing comes next, lol. Anyways, feedback would be love.**

**BISCUIT.**


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